My stories aren't in order, i write them as i feel the inspiration so please continue to follow me and my life diary <3
Until Next Time <3
Monday, January 19, 2015
The crunching of my ribs under his size 13 feet shoes; is a sound ill never forget..
From room to room i ran. slamming doors behind me and locking them, finding the biggest obstruction i could do block my self from his direct blows to my head and body. Doesn't matter what locked door or dresser or tv walunet i stood by for protection it would be in the air and thrown about in shreds and pieces before i could even blink. The grasp of his fucking baseball glove size of hands ripping me to the floor to sit on me and repeatedly punch my head and flailing body trying to get out from under him, never would i raise my hand to return a punch because that would have ended my life for sure. Trying to protect yourself but not possibly aggravate him even more, fearing for my life every second of every fight we had. i remember the one time it had started in the living room and he had tossed the tv walunet to the ceiling and it came crashing back down in pieces, everything that had been on top of it and inside wads broken and littered all over the living room floor. hundreds of pieces fucking every where , grabbing me by the hair and yanking me has hard as he could downwards to the ground screaming "clean it up bitch" kicking me in my side and back as i crawl across the floor trying to clean up this mess he just made. crawling by chunks of my hair on the floor that he had ripped out, my lips dripping blood under me as i go...i could only get about 15 peices off the floor before before i was being grabbed by the hair again pressing my face to the floor to "lick up my blood " he said . Disobeying or not co-operating meant i got it worse of course but i refused to lick my own blood off the floor! well.... that got me flipped around soo fast , had pinned his knees on my shoulders and hold my head wrenching it to the side as i fight soo desperately not to let him snap my neck, i am using the other half of my body to over power him, my hips, my legs, ankle and feet to try to thrust my body around and up to throw his body off mine and use my legs any way i could to try to wrap around his neck or kick his back, i wasn't going to die like that, so helpless and for him to look me in the eyes as he does it, i tried my hardiest, slowly loosing my breath and gasping now and choking under his fucking hands wrapped around my throat. i knew i had to do something when my vision was starting to go blurry and white, i knew he was getting the best of me and i had literally seconds to think how i was going to survive this. finally thrusting hard enough i threw him off of me and was trying to run to my room but had to run through the kitchen to get there, well him being literally 6'7 and size 13 feet! he reached and grabbed me by the leg to stop me and once again i hit the floor and got up as fast as i can to try to stay away from the most vulnerable positions i can be in for him, so once i was at a standing position he reached over and grabbed the butcher knife from the knife block and held it against my kneck blade side facing me . In the mind of an abused victim, you know you only have a few options or it will end your life,. every moment this is happening im planning my escape route and trying to get away with minimal damage and alive. Knowing one wrong move or word will slit my throat or stab me. patiently waiting with this knife on my neck as he is catching his breath...what seems like an hour was probably only two mins... waiting for the right moment, suddenly he starts crying, shaking and crying so i quickly threw the hand with the knife away and ran to the bedroom, locking the door and grabbing the dresser and siding in front of the door in hopes of making it harder for him to come in or get to me when he does. ...well in he comes flips the dresser on its side, grabs me by the neck lifts me in the air, my feet are about 3-4 feet off the floor dangling as he holds me by his hand and my throat... i swung up to knee him in the chest and he dropped me and stomped on my with his massive rib crushing size 13 foot shoe size. I vividly remember his foot coming down 4 times while I'm laying on my side on the floor in the fetal position..knowing this cant be good at all and i need to get up from this spot so i spring up and dart right out side of the apartment door and I'm running down the stairs barefoot trying to get outside of the building for help but once again he catches me on the stairs and i fall and turn around and try to get away from him so i tried to go back up the stairs when he grabs my food and throws me down on the stairs and once again as one rib cage lays directly against the stairs and the other rib cage is facing directly up to the ceiling, so I'm sideways and hes once again stomping on my ribs multiple times , just as some fucking woman comes out of her suit and says whats going on! quickly he puts his foot on the floor and says "nothing" as i was just caught in the most vulnerable and embarrassing possibly situation being held on the stairs like that for all to see, as she closed the door i ran up those fucking stairs as fast as i could and ran in my suit and locked the door. !!!!! FELT SOO GOOD ! petrified of what would happen next i yelled through the door .. "have a nice life " and waited and waited till he walked away, i remember watching the living room window after making sure i could see him walk down the road so i knew i was finally safe. that day i took my clothes and left the very next day and never went back..... that fight alone i suffered 8 broken ribs and took me 2 months to heal and as i am writing this now 6 years later and two pregnancys later, i have suffered bad pain from having my body stretched and shrink again, sitting positions, sweeping and moping and weird motions where my ribs are in the equation lol it hurts and feels like they shift to this day, i still cant touch my left side rib cage.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Life's a mysterious vicious circle
I find my self often questioning many things I wonder if other people ask them selves the same things ?! How in the hell did I start there and end up here ? How the fuck did I manage to ironically come out with this end result ?! We either cover every basis in hopes of guaranteeing that we come out on top or cover no basis as a teen entering the world as a young adult. its those who unfortunately bust their but endlessly and make sure they've touched base on every single necessary stepping stone to be secure, healthy, happy married with a family, career, mortgage and the things we all aspire for everyday. I ask myself how is it that life takes us in these round abouts enlightening us of both sides of the fence.
By a choice on my own i had decided to move out and get a place of my own with my boyfriend at the time, at the age of 15. Considering our young age i had the nicest place, always had matching furniture of my own i purchased with my own hard working money as i worked to provide for my self at age 15, never in a good area considering my price range but they always referred to me as "ghetto fabulous" because i had very nice stuff and had kept my place very clean and organized with nice taste. We always had cable and smokes and the things i guess young teenagers cared about at that time, everybody was at our house all the time and there was never a night that there WASN'T a knock at my door at 3am with my of our friends and a busted nose, blood everywhere, torn clothes basically crying and trying to tell me what happened. As if it where a ritual i remember all to well microwaving food, pulling out clean clothes, ans fresh socks was a MUST of mine always ans ran them a hot shower, made them a hot meal and set up a futon mattress in the living room with all clean sheets and blankets, shared a smoke with them and let them vent before i scurried back off to bed for a few short hours. EVERYBODY knew that if you needed a hot shower and somewhere to sleep and a hot meal to go to Nickys house.
That was before i had children and was in a very extremely abusive relationship with my ex Sheldon for about 4 years. Things where not always like that, they took a turn for the worst and people stopped coming over and i became a trapped and caged animal whom had no rights to eat or talk or even be intimate with him. i will explain this in another post one day, however; After a very long 4 years and petrifying circumstances i was in i had finally built up enough courage to leave and move on with my life in hopes of saving and healing what was left of me. My sister and her best friend took me in and i was 17 at this time and only 95 pounds as i was severely malnourished and ill. i began to get a full-time job and rented out my own room there in our massive 4 bedroom house in a great area might i add ! as time went on i began to heal and things had started to get serious between my new boyfriend and i (Dustin). December 3 rd 2009 i became pregnant with Annabella, amongst those 9 months, Dustin left and every things changed again by now, i was so scared of failing at being a mother that i immediately put myself back to school full time and worked full time also, 17-19 hour days while he slept in bed ...(details for another story) i had moved a few times and after Annabella was 6 weeks i had left my parents and got my own apartment on welfare unfortunately which that as its own story too how i ended up on that but any ways i was alone and 18 with this brand new baby in my one bedroom apartment.
So now is where my irony starts because i had absolutly no help or no company when i ultimately needed it. Annabellas dad came and left every few months promising and pleading to make his family work so that's where my head is at with him....(i know..) so he never helped me with money or groceries or diapers or formula or anything. We had made our second daughter Ava when Annabella was only 3 months old..so we needed a bigger place right, well finally Manitoba housing called and we moved there but the urine in the hallways was too much, blood in the elevator and puke in the stair cases, people dieing in my back lane and stepping over homeless to go catch my bus, i was REVOLTED that this was the life i was living after going back to school and saving thousands of dollars for my first child and ALL the steps i took to ensure i DID NT live this
way ! things were bad so we kept moving ...and a few houses after that... i am here to be honest so i wont lie, we begged, borrowed and stole to get by, cash store loans, his grandma helped us a bit until she passed sadly but bottom line is especially after that bastard left us for good, we got one house that was beautiful and in a nice neighbourhood and a big spacious 2 story two bedroom side by side that i was so blessed to have at my age of 21 and a sparse income and hard past. i was thrilled !! Like i didn't have a hard time already getting to this point i had a physco neighbour who threatened me through the walls... BANGED on my wall so loud with her fists that my kids were crying at the top of their lungs, called me names and even proceeded to come to my suit door, after many police reports and residential tenancy branch calls i had to move once again ! AFTER all that...finally getting a single standing bungalow house with me and agreeing to pay for %50 of things, two days later he left. It was the most devastating time of my life,.no body was there for me, i fell asleep many nights balling my eyes out because i didn't eat in days literally because i would sit at the table and feed my two babies.. i couldn't afford to pay hydro, because when he left so did his income. i never planned to get by on just my budget and the house was my whole rent cheque. i couldn't move my head side to side, my legs couldn't hold my own weight they were so weak like jello.. couldn't even swallow water, i have never hit such a low before, never been so ill and depressed, again details are for another post...i don't think i ate most of that year and a half. eventually lost the hydro, hot water and stove power, i can not tell u the things i did to feed my kids, the lies i told people just to sleep at their house with my kids so i could bath them in hot water, feed them, wash their clothes, The hardiest times of my life but where was everybody whom i had helped many years ago !?
Why is that i had reached out to many people, communities , support groups, crisis places, old teachers, principals, so called friends and family members, i was struggling soo and scared for my our lives at what would happen next that i reached out to every single resource and person i could. i even sent emails to multiple government offices and advocate people who are supposed to be our voice when one voice isn't big enough. wrote the free press about how welfare was treating me and the accusations they made about me and judgements that where made also. i worked every single day of my pregnancy and saved every check i made. i reached out to every resource i could and also continuously went back to school for the whole time i was on welfare, i was defeated and cheated of the system and "pay it forward" i did everything i was supposed to but in the end i still came out as a failure .. now how the fuck does that work, i preach every single day to love each moment of every day, hold doors for strangers, give people compliments, pay for the persons coffee in front of you,. i believe in good karma and bad, i belive in faith, destiny, and will and determination,but where as that gotten me ?
Was all the food i sacrificed to feed other people not enough over the years? was the clean clothes and hot showers not what i was supposed to do ? all the materials i given up and lost and surrendered to give to the less fortunate not enough? volunteering at the Sholom mission while pregnant and many years before and after not enough ? the baby clothes, toys. money iv been robbed of and given away and pouring my heart out to touch everybody's life that comes across me not enough ? .........The other day i was standing in the middle of my parking lot when the whole world came to a stand stilll and i stood there thinking " i get it now" ..... i get why i was ment to live on both sides of the fence and i understand why i was meant to struggle a tremendous traumatizing beginning and why i was ment to be in my relaxed and privileged circumstance i am in now. ABSOLUTELY UBSERD how life can change in a year or less. but i was standing there as the tractors ploughed my beautiful brand new apartment complex, removing all the snow watching them as i cant help but feel i am back in Manitoba housing... the lack of care and pride they had, not even doing a good job at all, so many tenants where more frustrated then they were happy that the snow was getting cleared from their parking spot. My new boyfriend and i are very very privileged with money and vehicals and everything that we pay alot of money now for absalouty no amentities included really. We do have matching black appliances and a washer and dryer and dishwasher with beautiful dark cupboards and dark hardwood floors, but the quality is cheap, everything breaks so easy and they charge us for everything even if a light bulb burns out we have to pay to fix it, the professionalism isnt there at all and they almost take advantage of you because they assume our income is through thr roof then we must have no moral values that we can be treated like savage animals as if our money speaks for us. It doesn't, i still have rights and standards and morals no matter what our position is in society. so i went from "apparently" being dependant on the government so i have no rights at all to being a fully function contributing member of society whoms bf is a business owner but because we moved up a class now i have no say in things because with this money and lifestyle you shouldn't care if your light bulb costs u $45 to replace and ur snow in your lot gets so bad it rips off ur muffler, and completely spoken too like trash by the care tenants because with the lifestyle we are more fortunate then most people in my life now that what we don't deserve respect, love, appreciation and a normal civilized way of conversing with us .
I am left to often standing there intellectually thinking how the fuck does this work! life is a secret recipe and in order to understand it, appreciate and move through it peacefully you simpy need to find the magic in everything.... the beauty in the last chip at the bottom of the bag, the beauty of onions burning your eyes because it means you have food, the beauty in crying because it means you have the ability to feel and know what you deserve and don't deserve to put up with, thats self right and self respect, knowing something hurt you and its not okay. the beauty in a breakup because it means u deserve better , means there is better out there for you,k the beauty in snow because that means we have sensations to feel things, to feel things good, bad or indifferant, hot, cold, sad, anger, means we are ALIVE. When we feel nothing my friend, is when you have to worry. so again why does life bring us in vicious circles where we once where the boy on the street begging but now we are the ones running the soup kitchen feeding all the starving kids?
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN ALL THINGS SMALL AND MAGICAL.
<3 Until Next Time
By a choice on my own i had decided to move out and get a place of my own with my boyfriend at the time, at the age of 15. Considering our young age i had the nicest place, always had matching furniture of my own i purchased with my own hard working money as i worked to provide for my self at age 15, never in a good area considering my price range but they always referred to me as "ghetto fabulous" because i had very nice stuff and had kept my place very clean and organized with nice taste. We always had cable and smokes and the things i guess young teenagers cared about at that time, everybody was at our house all the time and there was never a night that there WASN'T a knock at my door at 3am with my of our friends and a busted nose, blood everywhere, torn clothes basically crying and trying to tell me what happened. As if it where a ritual i remember all to well microwaving food, pulling out clean clothes, ans fresh socks was a MUST of mine always ans ran them a hot shower, made them a hot meal and set up a futon mattress in the living room with all clean sheets and blankets, shared a smoke with them and let them vent before i scurried back off to bed for a few short hours. EVERYBODY knew that if you needed a hot shower and somewhere to sleep and a hot meal to go to Nickys house.
That was before i had children and was in a very extremely abusive relationship with my ex Sheldon for about 4 years. Things where not always like that, they took a turn for the worst and people stopped coming over and i became a trapped and caged animal whom had no rights to eat or talk or even be intimate with him. i will explain this in another post one day, however; After a very long 4 years and petrifying circumstances i was in i had finally built up enough courage to leave and move on with my life in hopes of saving and healing what was left of me. My sister and her best friend took me in and i was 17 at this time and only 95 pounds as i was severely malnourished and ill. i began to get a full-time job and rented out my own room there in our massive 4 bedroom house in a great area might i add ! as time went on i began to heal and things had started to get serious between my new boyfriend and i (Dustin). December 3 rd 2009 i became pregnant with Annabella, amongst those 9 months, Dustin left and every things changed again by now, i was so scared of failing at being a mother that i immediately put myself back to school full time and worked full time also, 17-19 hour days while he slept in bed ...(details for another story) i had moved a few times and after Annabella was 6 weeks i had left my parents and got my own apartment on welfare unfortunately which that as its own story too how i ended up on that but any ways i was alone and 18 with this brand new baby in my one bedroom apartment.
So now is where my irony starts because i had absolutly no help or no company when i ultimately needed it. Annabellas dad came and left every few months promising and pleading to make his family work so that's where my head is at with him....(i know..) so he never helped me with money or groceries or diapers or formula or anything. We had made our second daughter Ava when Annabella was only 3 months old..so we needed a bigger place right, well finally Manitoba housing called and we moved there but the urine in the hallways was too much, blood in the elevator and puke in the stair cases, people dieing in my back lane and stepping over homeless to go catch my bus, i was REVOLTED that this was the life i was living after going back to school and saving thousands of dollars for my first child and ALL the steps i took to ensure i DID NT live this
way ! things were bad so we kept moving ...and a few houses after that... i am here to be honest so i wont lie, we begged, borrowed and stole to get by, cash store loans, his grandma helped us a bit until she passed sadly but bottom line is especially after that bastard left us for good, we got one house that was beautiful and in a nice neighbourhood and a big spacious 2 story two bedroom side by side that i was so blessed to have at my age of 21 and a sparse income and hard past. i was thrilled !! Like i didn't have a hard time already getting to this point i had a physco neighbour who threatened me through the walls... BANGED on my wall so loud with her fists that my kids were crying at the top of their lungs, called me names and even proceeded to come to my suit door, after many police reports and residential tenancy branch calls i had to move once again ! AFTER all that...finally getting a single standing bungalow house with me and agreeing to pay for %50 of things, two days later he left. It was the most devastating time of my life,.no body was there for me, i fell asleep many nights balling my eyes out because i didn't eat in days literally because i would sit at the table and feed my two babies.. i couldn't afford to pay hydro, because when he left so did his income. i never planned to get by on just my budget and the house was my whole rent cheque. i couldn't move my head side to side, my legs couldn't hold my own weight they were so weak like jello.. couldn't even swallow water, i have never hit such a low before, never been so ill and depressed, again details are for another post...i don't think i ate most of that year and a half. eventually lost the hydro, hot water and stove power, i can not tell u the things i did to feed my kids, the lies i told people just to sleep at their house with my kids so i could bath them in hot water, feed them, wash their clothes, The hardiest times of my life but where was everybody whom i had helped many years ago !?
Why is that i had reached out to many people, communities , support groups, crisis places, old teachers, principals, so called friends and family members, i was struggling soo and scared for my our lives at what would happen next that i reached out to every single resource and person i could. i even sent emails to multiple government offices and advocate people who are supposed to be our voice when one voice isn't big enough. wrote the free press about how welfare was treating me and the accusations they made about me and judgements that where made also. i worked every single day of my pregnancy and saved every check i made. i reached out to every resource i could and also continuously went back to school for the whole time i was on welfare, i was defeated and cheated of the system and "pay it forward" i did everything i was supposed to but in the end i still came out as a failure .. now how the fuck does that work, i preach every single day to love each moment of every day, hold doors for strangers, give people compliments, pay for the persons coffee in front of you,. i believe in good karma and bad, i belive in faith, destiny, and will and determination,but where as that gotten me ?
Was all the food i sacrificed to feed other people not enough over the years? was the clean clothes and hot showers not what i was supposed to do ? all the materials i given up and lost and surrendered to give to the less fortunate not enough? volunteering at the Sholom mission while pregnant and many years before and after not enough ? the baby clothes, toys. money iv been robbed of and given away and pouring my heart out to touch everybody's life that comes across me not enough ? .........The other day i was standing in the middle of my parking lot when the whole world came to a stand stilll and i stood there thinking " i get it now" ..... i get why i was ment to live on both sides of the fence and i understand why i was meant to struggle a tremendous traumatizing beginning and why i was ment to be in my relaxed and privileged circumstance i am in now. ABSOLUTELY UBSERD how life can change in a year or less. but i was standing there as the tractors ploughed my beautiful brand new apartment complex, removing all the snow watching them as i cant help but feel i am back in Manitoba housing... the lack of care and pride they had, not even doing a good job at all, so many tenants where more frustrated then they were happy that the snow was getting cleared from their parking spot. My new boyfriend and i are very very privileged with money and vehicals and everything that we pay alot of money now for absalouty no amentities included really. We do have matching black appliances and a washer and dryer and dishwasher with beautiful dark cupboards and dark hardwood floors, but the quality is cheap, everything breaks so easy and they charge us for everything even if a light bulb burns out we have to pay to fix it, the professionalism isnt there at all and they almost take advantage of you because they assume our income is through thr roof then we must have no moral values that we can be treated like savage animals as if our money speaks for us. It doesn't, i still have rights and standards and morals no matter what our position is in society. so i went from "apparently" being dependant on the government so i have no rights at all to being a fully function contributing member of society whoms bf is a business owner but because we moved up a class now i have no say in things because with this money and lifestyle you shouldn't care if your light bulb costs u $45 to replace and ur snow in your lot gets so bad it rips off ur muffler, and completely spoken too like trash by the care tenants because with the lifestyle we are more fortunate then most people in my life now that what we don't deserve respect, love, appreciation and a normal civilized way of conversing with us .
I am left to often standing there intellectually thinking how the fuck does this work! life is a secret recipe and in order to understand it, appreciate and move through it peacefully you simpy need to find the magic in everything.... the beauty in the last chip at the bottom of the bag, the beauty of onions burning your eyes because it means you have food, the beauty in crying because it means you have the ability to feel and know what you deserve and don't deserve to put up with, thats self right and self respect, knowing something hurt you and its not okay. the beauty in a breakup because it means u deserve better , means there is better out there for you,k the beauty in snow because that means we have sensations to feel things, to feel things good, bad or indifferant, hot, cold, sad, anger, means we are ALIVE. When we feel nothing my friend, is when you have to worry. so again why does life bring us in vicious circles where we once where the boy on the street begging but now we are the ones running the soup kitchen feeding all the starving kids?
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN ALL THINGS SMALL AND MAGICAL.
<3 Until Next Time
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
My Purpose Here
My purpose Here
I have a burning desire everyday to make a difference, help others, advocate for those who can't and most importantly follow thorough with my aspiration to be heard and felt and to move others and hopefully heal too. This is my way of sharing with the world my intellectual knowledge and wisdom in hopes of letting you know you aren't alone. The struggle is very real and the path we choose doesn't always land us where we had in envisioned or hoped to be but it doesn't mean it's over and it doesn't mean it's wrong, in reality, it's your blessing.
My names Nicole land and I am a mother of two precious girls under 5 yrs and step mother to 1 beautiful 8 year old girl. A very appreciative stay at home mother and girlfriend of THE most incredible man.... But it wasn't always like that.
This will be to enlighten others that through all the darkness ; does come light . My blog I will share very real struggles of my life and my raw emotions and how iv dealt, coped and come out on the other side as a survivor. I felt very alone at times and all I needed was too know I wasn't alone .
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